The taboo topic
One of the powerful benefits of one to one leadership coaching is that it provides a place for leaders to express and explore topics that are taboo. A significant taboo topic that comes up from time to time in my coaching work is when a leader starts to wonder if they are ‘just over it’. When they first raise this, the leader can even appear like a little kid who has been caught doing something naughty. But once the topic is out in the open there is a powerful sense of relief. So, how do you know when you are ‘just over it?’
First of all, why does this topic even matter? The core mindset that a leader must have is a commitment to do the leadership job in front of them. So, working through changes in this commitment and even the ending of the commitment really matters a lot.
Cycles of life and jobs
We are often so obsessed about everyone being ‘on the bus’, with leaders being committed and focused that any wavering inside of us feels like a kind of betrayal of the cause. Leaders can plug away at a role way after their motivational energy has long since faded away. They do this at a huge cost to themselves, the people close to them and the organisation.
Every other part of life tells us that everything has a beginning, middle and an end. But for some reason we think, or rather pretend, that we are committed to a role and organisation from here to eternity. This leads to the vital conversation, that we could call, the ‘are you over it’ conversation, not being had.
As you think across your own working life you are likely to discover this pattern of motivation in jobs you have had:
| Job Phase | Experience | Energy and feelings |
|---|---|---|
| Start | New organisation, new relationships, new situations and new challenges. | Exhilaration, Excitement, anxiety, fear. |
| Grow | Learning new strategies, ways of doing things, finding your valuable contribution, demonstrating your contributions, starting to achieve results. | Focus, absorbed, curious, persevering, resilience, satisfaction, anxiety. |
| Master | Familiar with the cycles of strategy and the role. Strong, well-established working relationships, good reputation for achieving results and positive contribution. | Satisfaction, comfort, familiarity, feel integral to the team and organisation. Sense of achievement. |
| Fade | Doing the same cycle of work, tasks, conversations and challenges becomes repetitive. Presentism seeps in. | Boredom, weariness with same problems, growing irritation with problems and people, feeling flat, start to dread Mondays. |
| Withdraw | Decide to leave or keep pushing yourself harder to keep up the appearance of engagement. | Flatness, boredom and irritation increase. It seems to take so much more energy now. Sometime start to avoid things that take a lot more energy now. |
Stop pretending
If getting to the point of just being ‘over it’ is a part of the natural cycle of work and life, then what can we do about it. There is a fine line between persevering and pretending. The worst thing is to keep pretending:
- Have an honest conversation with yourself – ‘are you over it’? Do whatever helps you to drop your guard and listen to your true feelings. Listen to the tension in your body and let it relax. Then allow the flow of thoughts and feelings out. This sounds easy but can feel ‘negative’ to leaders who are committed and work hard at being positive. But it’s not negative or positive it’s just real.
- Have an open conversation with another person. If you are blessed with a boss who encourages real conversation and who is a great listener and coach, this person may be your boss. Sharing your feelings with them can be both a healthy experience and also takes the weight of it just being your problem. A coach can also be a good option here as an offline sounding board and confidante.
Leading ‘are you over it’ conversations?
As a leader of others, you can also encourage an open flow of conversation about where your team member is at. Checking in every 3-6 months on where they are motivationally at with their role can be a great help to the individual and to the organisation. This is not a sterile ‘what is your career plan’ conversation. It is an authentic and open exploration. The power is in the conversation rather than the ‘action plan’. Here are some questions that that I often use in coaching that can help open this up:
• How are you finding your role?
• What are you enjoying at the moment?
• In what ways is your role energising you?
• How motivated are you feeling at the moment?
• What’s your next goal in this job?
• You seem a little flat lately, how’s the job working for you?
What matters more than the questions you ask is how you respond to the answers. It’s simple; shut up, listen and let the person explore. You don’t have to have an answer you are just allowing the reality of the person’s motivational energy to come to the surface for both of you. It is the most powerful conversation that a leader can have with a team member. Once they experience that this topic is not a corporate taboo but a real and natural aspect of all our working lives, your working relationship will be strengthened. It also enables real conversations to open up about the future for the person. By being a supportive sounding board you may find the low-motivation-but-trying-really-hard leader may discover fresh energy and vision for their current job. They may also come to the conclusion that they are actually ‘over it’ and an open discussion can follow about transition for the individual and the organisation.
A boss once said to me ‘nothing is forever’. Us humans and our organisations will be healthier if we get better at acknowledging endings, when we are ‘over it’ and life is calling us on to the next experience.
